Firstly, I will say I am no longer employed. This came as not only a great shock but a wake up call as well that not only was I not happy with where my life was heading exactly, but also that I needed to make some changes. And though I will not go into it much, for both legal and personal reasons, all I want to say is that I learned a tremendous amount in my last position as a Web Designer & Content Developer, but also that things did not go exactly as planned there & learned a lot of lessons. I realized maybe I was becoming someone who based too much of my personality on things that weren’t really there to begin with- or weren’t as they seemed. My work does not define me, but it is something I put my heart into to an enormous degree because it is something I dearly love. I met a lot of wonderful people, some not so much. And so my radio days, it seems, are over for now at least. But such is the nature of life, I guess.
Secondly, friends have helped, too, getting through this hard time in my life- it seems that sometimes when things are toughest, you find out who really matters. A number of people have reached out to help me find new employment, and have helped me to recognize this isn’t the end of everything, but instead a new beginning.
I have been painting. Writing. It seems like most things in life happen for a reason, even if they’re hard to understand at the time why. I worked in the yard this week on the warmer days- tore out old vines, threw things away. The past is moving farther away from me now & I feel like anything could happen. It was warm today- I jogged with Moose to the park & back, in cowboy boots, smoking cigarettes. It’s ridiculous, really, but then again that’s never really stopped me in the first place from anything.
I am almost well again. I have had bronchitis, as it turns out, since early October. I’ve been told before that I don’t exactly take the greatest care of myself. That may be true- it seems that when I am sick, I am usually in denial of it, as it slows me down. Can’t stop to rest. I was working so much at the time, it was hard to get away. By the time I made it to the doctor, they thought I may have pneumonia & I ended up having to have chest x-rays. I didn’t have pneumonia luckily, and now the sickness is almost gone. It’s been throwing me off for so long, I can barely remember what it feels like to feel well.
I am trying to get back to my roots- to where I used to stand with myself. Still moving forward. In winter, all the trees dead makes the train’s whistles blowing so loudly all day; no leaves to cushion the sound of heavy tracks racing toward their next destination.
I may have burned some bridges but I’ve built more, and I will always be moving forward to somewhere better.
Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. It’s like the tide going out, revealing whatever’s been thrown away and sunk: broken bottles, old gloves, rusting pop cans, nibbled fishbodies, bones. This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes, not knowing the future. The ruin you’ve made. — Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye