» December 18, 2011
Firstly, I will say I am no longer employed. This came as not only a great shock but a wake up call as well that not only was I not happy with where my life was heading exactly, but also that I needed to make some changes. And though I will not go into it much, for both legal and personal reasons, all I want to say is that I learned a tremendous amount in my last position as a Web Designer & Content Developer, but also that things did not go exactly as planned there & learned a lot of lessons. I realized maybe I was becoming someone who based too much of my personality on things that weren’t really there to begin with- or weren’t as they seemed. My work does not define me, but it is something I put my heart into to an enormous degree because it is something I dearly love. I met a lot of wonderful people, some not so much. And so my radio days, it seems, are over for now at least. But such is the nature of life, I guess.
Secondly, friends have helped, too, getting through this hard time in my life- it seems that sometimes when things are toughest, you find out who really matters. A number of people have reached out to help me find new employment, and have helped me to recognize this isn’t the end of everything, but instead a new beginning.
I have been painting. Writing. It seems like most things in life happen for a reason, even if they’re hard to understand at the time why. I worked in the yard this week on the warmer days- tore out old vines, threw things away. The past is moving farther away from me now & I feel like anything could happen. It was warm today- I jogged with Moose to the park & back, in cowboy boots, smoking cigarettes. It’s ridiculous, really, but then again that’s never really stopped me in the first place from anything.
I am almost well again. I have had bronchitis, as it turns out, since early October. I’ve been told before that I don’t exactly take the greatest care of myself. That may be true- it seems that when I am sick, I am usually in denial of it, as it slows me down. Can’t stop to rest. I was working so much at the time, it was hard to get away. By the time I made it to the doctor, they thought I may have pneumonia & I ended up having to have chest x-rays. I didn’t have pneumonia luckily, and now the sickness is almost gone. It’s been throwing me off for so long, I can barely remember what it feels like to feel well.
I am trying to get back to my roots- to where I used to stand with myself. Still moving forward. In winter, all the trees dead makes the train’s whistles blowing so loudly all day; no leaves to cushion the sound of heavy tracks racing toward their next destination.
I may have burned some bridges but I’ve built more, and I will always be moving forward to somewhere better.
I am overflowing. I talk too much. I love too much. I want to work. I like the confusion in my head because a whirlpool of feelings confuses my mind and destroys its control. I want to live by my feelings. Artistically and humanly, they are of better quality than my analysis. — Anaïs Nin